Since I was a young girl I have always been interested in the arts,
whether it be painting, drawing, media, everything and anything art
related. I have at times felt inadequate in my skill compared to my
peers. I admit to allowing the fear of man to slow me down. To this
day I still struggle, I compare, or try to stay “up to speed” in
the latest and greatest. Instead of just allowing myself to follow my
heart in the things I enjoy. Part of my struggle also is my
personality. I tend to lean more towards the “results” or better
yet “instant results”. When you are crafting a craft you have to
give the process patience. Maybe that's why I love photography, it's
instant. So, combine the need to wait with fear, and you could easily
have a closed door for forever. However, the desires and dreams in
our heart always find a way to surface. They have a beginning, and an
end, as well as an everything in between. Here is my beginning and my
in between.
I remember receiving my first camera. I was around six years old and
living in Oakbank, Manitoba. My favourite cereal as a kid was
Kellogg's Froot Loops, I could (and still could if allowed) eat bowls
and bowls of that sugary deliciousness! When I grew up cereal boxes
always had games on the back and prizes on the inside. One year
Kellogg's was offering a free camera. All you had to do was collect
enough barcodes from the back of the boxes and send in a little money
for shipping and handling. I was ecstatic. A camera of my very own.
With the help of my parents the envelope was sent into Kellogg's and
my prize was on its way to my mailbox.
Now this camera wasn't anything flashy in today's standards. It used
film, 110 to be exact, didn't have a flash, and was made out of
lightweight plastic. Yet I took pictures, and printed them. It was
the first of many cameras, new, borrowed, and used that passed
through my hands. Reflecting back on my childhood as an adult I have
realized how important little events are at nurturing our future. I
received that children's camera over 20 years ago, and to this day I
still haven't forgotten about it.
When it came to high school I was very blessed to attend a public
school enriched with the arts. We had a great music, visual arts,
darkroom photography, and beginners graphic design programs
available. I did it all. I remember saving up for my first big girl
camera, a requirement for the photography class. I had my family give
me money that year for my birthday to put towards the purchase. I
went to a used camera store where I was able to choose my own frame,
lens and case to go with it. I chose the Pentax K1000, a great
beginners camera for black and white 35mm.
This camera was a gift, it got me through high school, inspired me,
showed me what the world looked like through a lens. My lens, my
point of view, my eyes. With that camera I developed my own film,
printed my own photos and played with the experimental process in the
darkroom. This was all before the industry went digital, and before
photography became a trend.
After high school was long gone and I was entering my early twenties
I felt challenged. Challenged to sacrifice something so dear to me.
Challenged that if I sacrificed the one thing I want to do and be
that I would have enough faith and trust that it would come back to
me. That the opportunity would come back, the desire would come back,
that the dream would still be fulfilled. That particular day I
blindly and by faith gave away my camera. My first camera, the camera
that helped inspire and develop a dream.
It has been about 8 years since I gave that camera away. Did I make
a mistake? I hadn't really been taking meaningful photos since then.
In the span of all those years, photography has boomed. Social media
allows anyone to be a photographer. Here I spent those prime
developing years on the side lines. Barely exercising my skill. This
is where sacrifice, and laying things down to die, have greater power
when they come back to life. When I laid my camera down, I knew I was
sowing a seed, I knew that one day I would reap from what I had sown.
My young 20 something self thought it wouldn't be long. I didn't know
it'd take nearly a decade, or possibly longer. I didn't know it would
take a lot of patience. What I do know is that a seed planted
in good soil will sprout at the due time.
Last year I made a dream board. I didn't overload it, I just put a
few goals that I could attain to in the near future. I hung the board
on my wall, as a daily reminder to pursue these goals. Photography
was one of those ambitions. Later that same year I was blessed with
an iPhone. Now I do realize that the iPhone isn't a professional
camera, and perhaps I would have been better off investing in an
actual DSLR camera. I opted for the iPhone as a way to ease myself
back into the industry and the art. What's fun about mobile phones is
they can inspire you. They aren't entirely evil. It is creativity
disposable to your finger tips, in your back pocket ready to capture
a moment in time.
Upgrades happen all in time. I am waiting, I am cultivating my gift,
getting inspired. Taking a step towards the self inflected closed
door. Being patient, but knocking on the door. I had dreams of
traveling the world, and documenting my travels through photographs
and writing. The older I get, the more this dream matures, and
changes. It might not look like it did when I was a teenager. I have
different desires for my future too. Finding love and having a family
may not mean traveling the world, or it might. But that doesn't
matter. The bare bones will always be the same. There is always
somewhere to go whether it is Africa or the grocery store. There is
always people to help and love on whether it is my neighbour or a child
in Romania. That doesn't mean I can't capture my daily travels, big
or small. Here's to changing dreams that end in sacrifice and
heartbreak into redemption and fulfillment.
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| My first camera :) |
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